Analog Memories

Sometimes I find myself racing ahead, even by decades, in life. When Pearl takes an enormous breath, the lung-filling kind an infant only uses to wail, I think of how she’ll be as a teenager. In her tiny, adorable face I can see the pain of hormonal rage 13 years down the road. One day she will say terrible things to me, things I recall saying to my own mother much to my adult shame. She may develop a routine as I did; sobbing, gulping for air, pounding deafening steps into the stairs and thundering my door shut so hard I’m sure I tested the physical structure of our house on several occasions. She will tell me I just don’t understand and she will believe it too.

Pearl Aideen

Pearl Aideen



It’s in these future moments that I know I will lovingly recall today and think it’s such a shame she’ll have lost the memory of our present by then. At four weeks old, Pearl has stolen my reality, nothing matters but her. I exist in a time warp, I lose hours and entire days. People ask what I’ve been up to, here’s a list: we have staring contests that last hours, I study her eyelashes trying to determine the science of their length, I agonize over her fingernails, I wash her hair far too often, sometimes she screams but then snuggles into my neck and promptly falls asleep to the thudding of my heart, we go on walks and she sleeps, we run errands and she sleeps, we read Game of Thrones and she sleeps, we go to bed and she is ready to party Andrew W.K. style.

He needed a little sugar & spice in his life

He needed a little sugar & spice in his life

When I suggested to Logan that Pearl would never remember these days of total, earth-shattering love between us as she grew he scoffed and replied:

Hold onto your hat sweetheart, Pearl just got started loving you.

The beginning of a new love story

The beginning of a new love story

The sweetest

The sweetest

14 thoughts on “Analog Memories

  1. Dolly says:

    Very touching! About the “partying all night” thing….learn NOW….wake them up at 7 or 8 p.m. and keep them awake and entertained for a few hours if possible. Sweet dreams will be yours soon enough! Cannot wait to meet this little treasure!

  2. Spamela says:

    This brought tears. I so miss those moments! Love how amazing your writing is. Enjoy these moments Mamma…they go by way too quickly. β™‘β™‘β™‘

  3. Stevie says:

    She’s gorgeous, just like the impossibly huge love you share. It’s almost painful, right? Too big to fit in your heart. And, Logan is right. You’re just getting started. I, too, already dread the teenage years when she’ll need to push off and individuate. I keep thinking, well maybe since she’ll have lived such an unconventional life, she won’t feel the need to do the conventional “reject mom” thing. Yesterday Soleil told me that I was her “mejor amiga.” I hope I always am. And when someday our girls grow up and fly the coop, well at least we have awesome husbands to get some more fun out of life. xoxoxo

  4. Erica says:

    I love this!! Definitely brought tears to my eyes now while Mercedes sleeps on my chest! Every second is precious πŸ˜ŠπŸ’• so beautifully written!

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